20 Crazy Questions from 20 Crazy Clients

I love my web design and SEO clients, even the crazy ones. You know who you are. I’m not trying to bite the hand that feeds me. I know if it weren’t for you I’d be out of a job,  but some of you ask the craziest questions.  I’m sure my clients also get crazy questions from their clients, we all do. So, I thought I’d share a few of the craziest questions I’ve heard from my web design and SEO clients over the last 11 years.

PLEASE share yours crazy questions in the comments below.

Since opening October 1, 2003 these are the top crazy questions I got from 20 crazy clients.

1. Why isn’t my internet working?

My Response: Because we built your website. We don’t provide you with the internet.

Over the phone, I could hear him yell to someone in the background, “Who provides us the internet?” The guy in the background yelled back, “Comcast!”

The last thing I heard was, “sorry” in a very simple voice, right before he quickly hung up.

2. Why is there so much white space?

No matter how perfectly I answer this question, I always lose this one. So, over the years I more carefully pick and chose my battles.

3. Can you make my logo bigger?

This video is pure F***ING genius, and made me feel so much better.

4. Why aren’t I on page #1 yet?

My Response: Because we launched your site two days ago.

I’ve gotten this question around 40 times in the last 11 years.

5. Why can’t I click on anything?

My Response: It’s just an image. When you approve the design we’ll code it for the web.

6. Why didn’t you answer my call on Sunday?

My Response(s): Religious reasons. My wife will kill me. I have a life. Because it’s Sunday.

7. Why should I pay you to build a site I can build myself?

So this guy calls me up about a year ago, claiming to represent a former Chicago Cub’s pitcher who needed a site. To my surprise his budget was only $1,000-$2,000. So, I recommended he pick from a few WordPress themes I would show him. Then my team would set it up and install it, make modifications, customize it, add his logo and content, train him on WordPress, etc. We estimated about 2 days, or 16 hours of work. He agreed.

I showed him a few WordPress themes, and even though he had never done this before, his response was literally: “Why should I pay you to do something I can do myself?” Then he claimed I was trying to rip him off and hung up the phone.

8. Can you throw a quick logo together for me?

Unfortunately, I’ve gotten this question a dozen times in 11 years. I learned this the hard way during my first year. There’s no such thing as designing a “quick logo”. Surprisingly I still get this question all the time.

9. How can we get more linkage?

Apparently this guy had studied up on SEO before we started working for him. I will never forget him asking us how his site can get more “linkage” after he launches.

10. Can I pay you in equity?

My Response (in my mind): Hahaha …hell no.

But hey, it doesn’t hurt to try.

11. Can you show me something before I give you a downpayment?

My Response (in my mind): So… you want me to push paying customers aside, work for an undisclosed amount of hours, and if you like it, then you’ll pay me? DEAL!

12. Can you add flash?

My Response: Form should always follow function on the web. Flash is only cool to the site owner; statistically users hate it. Besides, it doesn’t work in many browsers, and it slows down the load time of your site.

My Response (in my mind): …I just give them a blank stare.

13. Can you make music start when people hit my home page?

My Response (in my mind): So, you want to startle the hell out of your visitors, and force them to quickly bounce off your site because they could be at work, on public transportation, watching TV, or just plain annoyed by your crazy taste in music?

14. Can I see the contact information of people who visit my site?

My Response (in my mind): Uh no. But if you find a way, let us know. That’s one hell of a service!

15. Can I pay you in monthly installments AFTER we launch?

OK, we said, “yes”. But this was years ago! We launched the site on his server and he made the 1st of 12 payments. A few excuses and a few months later we never heard from him again.

Remember the golden rule of web design payments: Only release code after final payment is made.

16. Can I call Google?

My Response (in my mind): Well, ya but… ummmm

I never know how to answer that question.

17. I can get that for $5 per hour

Technically this is a statement, but I feel it’s meant to be a question.

My Response (in my mind): You can also buy a car for $500 bucks, but you get what you pay for.

18. Does this make you uncomfortable? (as he stared over my shoulder at my computer)

It makes every single designer extremely uncomfortable when a client stares over their shoulder as we design. It’s one of the worse things you can do to a designer.

My Response: No, you’re fine.

19. Can I borrow your graphic designer?

My Response: You mean hire him for a side job? I’m a little uncomfortable with that. He works here full time. If you need to hire him, you will have to pay our hourly rate.

20. Can you build a site that’s a combination of Yahoo.com and Facebook?

This is one of my favorite questions! A question like this only comes in once or twice a year. I never know how to answer it. Usually I just wait to hear some insane budget like $1,500, then I refer them to a smaller shop.

In Conclusion…

Some clients are crazy, but so are we. It’s all in good fun. We all need to occasionally step back and laugh at ourselves. One thing is for sure, without clients I’d be out of this awesome job. So, thank you to all my clients for making my last 11 years so crazy, so interesting and so awesome!

***Share your crazy client questions below***